i was like that, but never again. i still remember how i once wanted to change myself to actually be accepted by this one guy. i know exactly his type, and i was nothing like he wanted at all. i tried to speak softer,  be more silent, very careful with my words and whatnot. i spoke in high pitch voice, laughed in a feminine way (or whatever you called). yes, i tried hard to be a lady-like. on the contrary to what i really am, i'm harsh, i'm abit boyish, i laugh like a donkey, i am sometimes can too awkward/strange, and i sound like a batman. i dont own that high pitch voice. lol.

.

hello.

somebody left a comment to my short story that i submitted on awefullywritten (an independent blog that encourages young writers to write) and this made me miss writing. lol. i miss writing, really. i did make three or four poems, but i dont want to publish it anywhere, because it was AWfully done..........bye

Self-Contemplation

I hate my friends. I totally hate my friends right now. Like seriously, you guys can stop being so supportive to something that is so contrary to my decision. They know how vulnerable, and fickle minded I am. Ugh!! I've decided to just giving up to all of this, but they still insist me to keep going. :(

The Optimistic Ayu, is not so optimistic when it comes to this. This is like a big gambling that would influence my life in the future, SERIOUSLY NO KIDDING. THIS COULD PUT AN END TO MY (NYAWA NYAWA IKAN LEVEL OF) SELF-ESTEEM IF THE SAME SH*T HAPPENS AGAIN.

I'm still traumatized by this, but thanks to them. I nearly forgot what happened to me previously. I am well-aware that is not a right move to make, but it is soooooo hard to stick with my decision, since my friends keep forcing me to do the contrary.

How I wish my dear friends would understand the mind-battle happens around my head is almost driving me insane! I dont want to end up looking like a desperate woman chasing after a guy, that she's never met. I mean like, ISNT THE WHOLE THING IS CRAZY ALREADY AND THEY EVEN TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT THE GUY ALSO HAS THE MUTUAL FEELING TOWARDS ME LIKE OMG GUYS YOU NEVER EVEN TALK TO HIM AND I DO AND HE NEVER SHOWS ANY INTEREST OTHER THAN JUST LAYAN-ING MY STUPID RANDOM QUESTIONS OMG LET ME CRYYYYYYY

I hate you, friends. And when I say I want to give up, stop replying, "Lets see what you gonna say about it tomorrow morning." It's like you guys are expecting me to change my mind already fakyu

Here's to the real last.

I do not know what is going on to the world lately. But it seems like many of my friends come to me, asking for a relationship advice. Some of them are facing with unrequited love, and some of them struggling really hard to save their long-term relationship.

But that is not the issue that i wanted to highlight here. It is the way i comfort them. "If you want to cry, just cry. Do not hold it in. Cry yourself out, i promise it will make you feel a lot better. Do not be ashamed of what you're feeling, you deserve to feel any way you want." And i always remind them, if they need an ear to listen. I'll be right there for them.

But when it comes to me, now. I do not even follow my own advice. I just keep everything bottled up inside. To be honest, i do feel like crying right now. But im trying my hardest not to burst into tears. I usually cry myself to sleep, or in the shower at least. It is very hard for me to cry infront of people. But last night, was a different story. It was just me in the room, but still. I didnt let myself cry, i tried to hold it in, only god knows how i felt last night.

I dont even know what is wrong with me lately. Probably because im started to get tired to keep up with the same bullshit that i've been dealing with over the years. I feel like it doesnt worth my tears anymore.

I guess this is the right time to build up a wall, put my guard up, and move on. I give up. Here, the white flag. I do not want to feel what im feeling anymore. It hurts, and im getting sick of it. I give up.

Im not in a good state right. Trying my best not burst into tears, because im tired of it. Im tired, and sick.